The first time I remember binge eating was when I was around six years old. I was eating my fourth or fifth piece of KFC in the kitchen, after we had already eaten supper. Even though I know that I had overeaten a lot before this, this one is the earliest I can recall. It was the first time I remember feeling that frantic lust for food.
I was really excited to have KFC for dinner, but after I had my standard two pieces, I became obsessed with getting more. I waited until everyone had finished eating, and then I snuck into the kitchen, opened up the glorious bucket of chicken, and started eating. I was two pieces in when my mom walked into the kitchen and saw me. She was cross and ordered me to stop eating and go to my room. That’s the last thing I can remember, but from that day on, I have struggled with binge eating.
I always thought that I would have my binge eating sorted out by now. Growing up, whenever I would binge, I would tell myself that one day when I’m in my twenties, I will finally be thin, I would live on my own, exercise as much as a celebrity who has to lose weight after having a baby, and only buy healthy food. Only a few of these became true.
By the average person’s standards, my diet is extreme. I don’t eat sugar, dairy, gluten, soy, or any really processed foods. The chocolate I just ate was dark and sugar-free. I usually go for chocolate that’s 90% cacao.
I can probably outeat The Rock on a good day.
The problem isn’t that I have a sweet tooth, or that I can’t resist junk food, because I can. It is that I cannot resist food. I love food. I’m obsessed with food. It is my greatest love and my worst enemy. It is my drug of choice. It is not what I eat, but the amount. I could binge on steak.
I can honestly admit that I’m a food addict, and I have a lot of anxiety around food, especially when it comes to how it affects my weight. I have been trying to become lean for many years, and have kept failing because of my binge eating.
What has helped me maintain my weight, however, is the fact that I also love health. I started doing research on dieting and nutrition as a kid, and absolutely fell in love with it. And when I love, I love deeply. The only problem is, I love it too much.
Nutrition is one of the most interesting topics in the world. And while I still want to be able to celebrate my love for food and nutrition, I want to be able to enjoy it freely and feel relaxed around food.
I want to be able to maintain a healthy weight and not keep fluctuating. I don’t want to feel crazy around the food table at parties and obsess over how I can get more food without people noticing that I am eating, Food freedom sounds like heaven.
How Bad is My Binge Eating Now?
My binge eating has reduced drastically ever since I switched to an animal-based diet. It used to happen a few times a week, but it has been 65 days since my last binge, and even before that, it would happen once every two weeks with some mild overeating in between.
The reason why I know exactly how many days it’s been is because I had to start over with the 75 HARD™ challenge 65 days ago after bingeing.
I’m proud of the progress that I’ve made. I’m not free of my binge eating struggle yet. I still get the urge to binge, but have managed to reduce it to the point where I don’t hate myself for doing it. If I do binge, I at least know that it won’t have a big impact in the greater scheme of things and I don’t have to feel guilty.
If being this close to food freedom feels this good, I can only imagine how good complete food freedom must feel.
